Sunday, 31 May 2009

Gladys Knows Best- The Reply

Dear Anonymous,

I take it you're not married. Hmm. I will try not to judge. But it's hard. Seriously, 36 and not married?! Sorry.
First off, stop eating octopus out of a jar- it's not attractive. In fact, you can cut back on eating pickled things in jars in general. You must tame that lustful but dorment volcano between your legs for it is doing you no favours.
Second, it sounds like you are taking advantage of your momma bear position over new intern boys and that is not cool at all. Quit it. They need your guidance and support, not your come ons and sexually charged put downs. I suggest you channel your younger male desires into actually doing some work, or even writing your own Mills & Boon book- then you can give your character the happy ending that you always wanted and needed. Oh, and before you let a boy- young or old- pet you, get married.

Yours chastely,


Quote of the day: 31st May

"You have a great toe" 
Alfie the nurse to Genghis Can't
15.32pm Whittington Hospital

Saturday, 30 May 2009

Things That Go Bump In the Night # 5

Childhood fears continued.

12. Fireworks

Whether it's the fact that they sound and shake like bombs.. or the fact they cost millions of wasted pounds for seconds of so-called pleasure.. or that they wreck havoc with the ozone layer.. or that people think that any old humdrum event can be glammed up by letting a few of these bad boys off.. or that I was scarred for life from watching the 999 special episode on Bonfire Night when they reinact the boy who has fireworks go off in his pocket.. whatever the reason, I have always and will always loathe fireworks, and be petrified by them.

13. Wasps.

Serve no ecological purpose and hurt like hell. Plus I'm allergic to their stings so it's not just an 'ouch' its a 'motherfuckeryou'llpayforthisyouwanker' ouch.

14. Hairdressers.

People that aren't your parents touching your face and putting sharp objects very close to your brain. and then twenty minutes later, the hair that you knew and loved has vanished. what's to like?

15. Having to stand up and talk aloud in class.

I must have tried every possible excuse I could think of during my years of compulsary education to get out of speaking infront of my classmates. I would get beetroot faced and sweaty palmed and close to spewsville from the nerves. What valuable lession it prepares you for in later life is totally beyond me.

Gladys Knows Best

Dear Gladys,

I am writing to you in secret because I fear that if I was to make myself known then my reputation as head editor at a once-in-print-but-now-online magazine and general hardcore anar-chic may be jeapodised.
I am in a sticky situation. Literally. I am what people cruelly refer to as 'past her prime' or 'over the hill' yet I still feel and think (and act and smell) like a teenager on half term with nothing more to worry about than getting served at the off license and if i can forge my mum's handwriting to get out of P.E again five weeks in a row.
As well as having these adolescent traits, I also find myself falling constantly and exclusively for younger men. As my grown up female friends (I have loads of friends BTW) around me are settling down and taking life seriously, I feel my loins stirred by the younger, inexperienced, wet behind the ear boys who drift in and out of my office/spare room, wafting in their heady scent of nonchalence, linx and youth. Do younger males not have older women fantasies any more? Am I wasting my time trying to get their attention by bareing my (untoned) middrift, making the same lunch day in day out and swearing like a sailor? Is there any hope for the young at heart but old in looks?

Yours truely,
Ame- I mean.. Anonymous

Ten Things I Hated About....Being a Pre-teen Girl

1. Training bras- from the bitter perspective of someone who was 28AA until 16, to be honest in year 6 I would have been quite happy to wear a vest still, but it seems that became quite the post-P.E faux pas and so I tied to tiny triangles around myself for the next 5 years until ka-blam growth spurt. 
2. Scrunchies- or any sort of hair fastening popular at the time, especially those clips with the butterfly that wobbled around and left glittery schmutz in your (puberty-greasy) hair.
3. Ponies- They fucking love them.

4. Sugar Magazine's Problem Page- Every week without fail someone would have looked at their vagina in a mirror and freaked out, someone would have a crush on their girl best friend, someone would have thought they were pregnant after fingering. Nause. Also their horrific real life stories (pictured)
5. The Classics- Everyone started reading Jane-sodding-Eyre for SATs English and banged on about how they actually rather enjoyed it, and thought they "might move on to Dickens or Austen."
6. Cruel Intentions- the film, the soundtrack, the quotes, how a generation of girls planned to lose it to Counting just got too much. 
7. Everyone fancying the one male teacher. One girl even told him! OMG! She used to call him by his first name in conversation.
8. Camden Market- the stripy socks, the net skirts, the headache-y smell of incense, the Placebo listening. 
9. Poppers- Seemingly the drug of choice for pre-teen girls 'who love to giggle and be hyper', we never knew their other usage.  I always only pretended to sniff- sorry guys; I was faking! 
10. Other teenagers- word.


Questions pour un champion is one of my favourite programmes. This kid Bastien doesn't know much, especially about Breton history.  Watching this video an excellent way to remind yourself of the phrase you wish you had remembered in your GSCE oral "Je Passe". He also gets way excited at one point. 

Friday, 29 May 2009

Pictures of the day

(promise to provide some higher quality journalism soon)

Almost naked man with a gun picture of the day

(They're not naked- fair dos. )
But it's a nice day for a shotgun wedding.... I hope they're all marrying each other- their kids will be little bullets of joy!

And then a Hero comes along..

Reasons why I heart Adam Buxton:





Thursday, 28 May 2009

Almost naked man with a gun picture of the day

Quote of the Day

"Can you please never say magic and prosthetic vagina in the same sentence again? Oh god" 
17.02pm, Genghis Can't

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Just in Case's-Arrest

Because you can never be too careful....

Pictures of the Day

Be thankful for the family you have.

You could have it worse- you could have this for family.

Or these guys (I feel sorry for the tree..)

or even them..

Almost Naked Woman with Tree and Spider Costume Picture of the Day May 27 2009

I'm gonna pun you down bitches!

Puns rule. Nuff said.

Puns on t shirts? Um, yes peas!

Are you for real?

Quote of the Day: 27th May

11:09am Group meeting.

"I don’t want to be getting into bed with Lush all the time, unless it’s specific…”

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Almost naked man with a gun picture of the day

Just putting out some awesome rays into the blogosphere. Happy Tuesday guys.
 If my hangover was personified it would be this guy. 

"Hello, RSPCA?" -yes? "We got a couple new cases right here."

It's just not fair.

Quote of the Day: 26th May

lunchtime downstairs. 13:54pm

Pompom: "So tell me more about this girl who eats giant wraps then, what's her name again? Falafel?"

Angel: "Harima."

Pictures of the Day

10 Things I hate about: Child Actors

One blog I came across in my preparatory research that rants about this very topic opened the piece with: "is it wrong to hate a child?" to which the answer is quite clearly NO. Their slant was more 'not when they are a child actor' but, either way.

This special (cough*needs*cough) sub-breed of the human species stirs my fury in a way I thought only Peaches knew how.

1. They individually amass more dollar in their puny ten ish years of life thus far than I ever will in one hundred lifetimes. I'm not sour grapes, I'm just into justice yeah.

2. They will never grow up to be normal. No way no how. No child actor to have ever graced the silver screen has at puberty renounced the life and become a teacher or a fireman. Once a child actor, always a child actor.

3. Their blatantly massive lack of life experience precisely correlates to a blatantly massive lack of ability to portray characters. Outcome: insincere, unconvincing pathetic drivel.

4. The pretty ones play the heroes, the trophy kids, the teacher's pets. The ugly ones play the wimps and the abused. Personally, I think this is a terrible lesson in black and white thinking and type casting and does nothing to abolish stereotypes. The pretty kids get abused too you know.

5. They get to meet people that I admire, worship and adore and I don't. They aren't even old enough to take the sexual advantage of being in such close proximity of these arrogant sleep-with-anyone-willing pin up heartthrobs. What a waste.

6. Child actors have child actors' parents who are, without exception, wankers. Failed in their own lives, living out their celeb-wannabe fantasies through their offspring. Child actors hang out with other child actors. Child actors have child actor babies with their child actor playmates (sometimes when they are still even technically children). Is no one willing to make a stand and boldly break this incestuous cycle?

7. No one in Mediaworld dares to diss them, in case they get done for child cruelty or whatever. 'You can't say that- he's only 5!' WRONG. You aren't making some statement about them as a person- you are pointing out, quite rightly, that children equal shit entertainment. Dare to be different! Diss a kid for being a crap actor!

8. You can always spot a child actor. They walk with their nose a little higher in the air. They project their voice loudly and clearly, too loudly and too clearly if you ask me, sssssh. They were miniature versions of adults clothing a lot. They have been groomed and pepped to believe they are God's gift to the playground. Puke.

9. They stagnate. Unlike adult actors who once they have squeezed their talent dry turn their hand to directing or producing or talking about directing and producing, these children live off the glory of their limited output. Lazy fuckers.

10. They get round the issue of not having the right sort of person for other roles: I call to the stand black and white minstrels. Why can't they just get midget adults or baby-faced folk to play the child roles and make it illegal for under 18s to work in Hollywood? Would it really be that devastating?

Food for thought, my friends.

Monday, 25 May 2009

oh ma darlin'

Well Clementyne, I know we jest met in the dairy queen an awl, but I sure do thank yer pretty an I'd lyke ta show you jest how much I cayre by takin' yew out on a reeeeel fine date.  I done thought o e'rythang... I figgered we could get yew a babysitter for that kid you got... thin i'm gonna pick yew up in ma limozine. woooowweee e'rbody in town gonna be think' how lucky you are! by the way yer gonna have ta sit in tha back with ma dawg Cletis 'cuz we gotta kepp the limow balanced or it'll roll right over like a clown in a barrel at the rodeo...

Thin I thawt, if its a reeeel naice naight, I could take ya to my luvly gardeen an we could sit on my romaantic swang...

I guess after that you'd be gittin' hongry so i would bbq us up some o' them squrriels i done run over the otherr week. ain't nothin' too good for ma clementine...

an' by then yew maight be gettin' some romanteek feelins i could take you for a downhome dip in my state-o-the-art hot tub. i will o' course provide the bubbles....

yours truly, 
  bobby joe woodcock