Tuesday, 26 May 2009

10 Things I hate about: Child Actors

One blog I came across in my preparatory research that rants about this very topic opened the piece with: "is it wrong to hate a child?" to which the answer is quite clearly NO. Their slant was more 'not when they are a child actor' but, either way.

This special (cough*needs*cough) sub-breed of the human species stirs my fury in a way I thought only Peaches knew how.

1. They individually amass more dollar in their puny ten ish years of life thus far than I ever will in one hundred lifetimes. I'm not sour grapes, I'm just into justice yeah.

2. They will never grow up to be normal. No way no how. No child actor to have ever graced the silver screen has at puberty renounced the life and become a teacher or a fireman. Once a child actor, always a child actor.

3. Their blatantly massive lack of life experience precisely correlates to a blatantly massive lack of ability to portray characters. Outcome: insincere, unconvincing pathetic drivel.

4. The pretty ones play the heroes, the trophy kids, the teacher's pets. The ugly ones play the wimps and the abused. Personally, I think this is a terrible lesson in black and white thinking and type casting and does nothing to abolish stereotypes. The pretty kids get abused too you know.

5. They get to meet people that I admire, worship and adore and I don't. They aren't even old enough to take the sexual advantage of being in such close proximity of these arrogant sleep-with-anyone-willing pin up heartthrobs. What a waste.

6. Child actors have child actors' parents who are, without exception, wankers. Failed in their own lives, living out their celeb-wannabe fantasies through their offspring. Child actors hang out with other child actors. Child actors have child actor babies with their child actor playmates (sometimes when they are still even technically children). Is no one willing to make a stand and boldly break this incestuous cycle?

7. No one in Mediaworld dares to diss them, in case they get done for child cruelty or whatever. 'You can't say that- he's only 5!' WRONG. You aren't making some statement about them as a person- you are pointing out, quite rightly, that children equal shit entertainment. Dare to be different! Diss a kid for being a crap actor!

8. You can always spot a child actor. They walk with their nose a little higher in the air. They project their voice loudly and clearly, too loudly and too clearly if you ask me, sssssh. They were miniature versions of adults clothing a lot. They have been groomed and pepped to believe they are God's gift to the playground. Puke.

9. They stagnate. Unlike adult actors who once they have squeezed their talent dry turn their hand to directing or producing or talking about directing and producing, these children live off the glory of their limited output. Lazy fuckers.

10. They get round the issue of not having the right sort of person for other roles: I call to the stand black and white minstrels. Why can't they just get midget adults or baby-faced folk to play the child roles and make it illegal for under 18s to work in Hollywood? Would it really be that devastating?

Food for thought, my friends.

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