Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Before the inevitable hollywood remakes...

I watched every single episode of "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" and I bought many of the toys. I've become rather disillusioned. This is why:

1. Whenever He-Man runs somewhere, it's the exact same animation every time. Not only does this feel cheap, it ruins any building tension because you know that this animation sequence will not suddenly develop new action. There will have to be a cut before his destination becomes visible.

2. The Castle Greyskull playset is Green.

3. Eternia is populated by combatants who possess identical physiques, some of whom are equipped with lazer guns, others of whom insist on swordsmanship. There are flying vehicles, yet He-Man gets around on the back of a green tiger. Is he trying to minimize his carbon footprint? This combination of technologies is unrealistic.

4. The Masters of the Universe aren't in it.

I shall be boycotting this programme from now on, and encourage you to do the same. I shall now be mainly watching Thundercats. I will be on Mumm-Ra's side because the Thundercats are self-righteous colonialists invading his home planet, which he is well within his rights to maintain as a sinister, swampy, dark, menacing environment in accordance with his vaguely Egypt-cum-Transylvanian traditions and culture. That is his perogative in his own kingdom. The Thundercats never registered Asylum, yet they swan around the whole planet, making it lush and sunny like the American bastards they are. Also, I would like to know about their breeding programme. Normal lions and normal tigers can interbreed, but produce infertile young. I'd like to see how a humanoid lion, a humanoid tigress, a humanoid panther male, a humanoid cheetah female and Snarf succeed with their illegal colony. The American bastards. No doubt, using their equally strange combination of technologies, they will find a way, and take over the whole planet, replacing Mumm-Ra's nitrogen-rich evil marshlands with autobahns and cat-shaped domiciles. I can just see slythe now, manning a gas station and drinking daily before returning to his reservation trailer.